You ask, Mr. Barker, of your son's latest progress.
It's hard to find the right words.
I can definitely say that he's keen to impress
and he certainly seems undeterred
by the essays and themes we've discussed all the term
without even reading the books.
And he does enjoy talking to the lads about sperm-
counts and giving the girls lewd looks.
Oh really? The family enjoy reading Shakespeare?
that certainly makes it quite hard
to understand why your son disappears
on the days that we're studying the Bard.
This week we've been talking of Atticus Finch -
the man of the 'Mocking Bird' fame
whose courage repressed a mob sent to lynch
a black man - a white man had framed.
This naturally lead to a heated debate
on racial paranoia
while your son drew fat women he said to illustrate
his new-found interest in Goya.
His habit of leering at the girls draws attention
to why he's at College at all,
and the condom machine now bears the inscription
Matt Barker - the stud with big balls.
As you say, Mr. Barker, he's a little outspoken -
not that we wish to repress
a developing mind - it's more of a question
of finding a little finesse.
I'll try to be tactful - it's really quite hard
to teach iambic pentameter.
My lesson on Hamlet was a Danish charade
as your son handed round a vibrator.
We've held many meetings; thought of splendid ideas
with many different agendas.
And at last - we've discovered your son's new career-
a salesman with Ann Summers.